Saturday, December 13, 2008

Stereotips (Holiday Edition): "Big Boned" Baristas (Easy on the syrup pump)

Stereotips (part of speech, Shermanism): coined to describe useful bits of advice based on ethnic, cultural, or general stereotypes.

The holiday season is upon us and in these cold winter months I like to switch it up and order the occasional white chocolate mocha from Starbucks. Over the years I've noticed something, that a "big boned" barista manning the Starbucks espresso station often serves up a moca sweeter that a mouthful of smarties.

My theory: Fatties are fat because they live lives of reckless nutritional abandon. It's sugar-on-sugar all day long. They wake and eat Three Musketeers and Mars Bars for breakfast, Fruity Pebbles for dinner. Years of a corn syrup rich diet have altered their taste buds so much that Skittles are the baseline. Everything has to be twice as sweet just so it registers that there's something in their mouth.

Before I caught on to the source of the problem, I wouldn't realize I'd been handed a beverage that could quite possibly trigger the onset of adult diabetes until it was too late. I'd be walking away from the crowded pick-up station when that first sip sent a shockwave through my endocrine system.

After number of these assassination attempts, I began to watch anxiously as their chubby hands pumped the chocolate flavored syrup into my cup, wincing if they proceeded past 3 squirts.

I've learned to specify the number of pumps in my mochas and white chocolate mochas. Those damn drink are just too expensive and the holiday lines too maddening to get a botched beverage.

This holiday season I encourage you and your loved one's to drink with caution. This stereotip is our gift to you. Season's Greetings from "The Foundation".

Stereotip: Always specify the number of syrup pumps in your Starbucks moch if the barista preparing the drinks is fat. They tend to be ham-handed at the pump as a result of their own preference for sweet tasting things.

Tell your "big boned" Barista: "Easy on the syrup pump".


Kathleen said...

As a fairly round person who loves lemons, not sweets, I have to tell you your reasoning may be true for the majority, but not all of us. Then again, I don't work in a bakery for a reason (mmmm... bread...) ~:-D

Thomas Sherman said...

I am simply proposing theoretical speculations on a hypothesis from which I form biased perspectives and actionable behaviors

I would love you no matter what shape and color you were Kathleen


Ollie said...

Lol, funny because it's true, surely.

Nixta said...

As I stood in line at Whole Foods yesterday I saw an enormous lady wearing a t-shirt on the back of which was printed the following in all caps (I cannot bring myself to recreate it in all caps - it would be a terrible breach of internetiquette):

"Chocolate late is good for you"

I assumed that it was a play on Chocolate Latte, though perhaps only the dyslexic or those that didn't know how to spell "latte" (that's me, folks) might have fallen for that explanation.

I wondered also if perhaps it was an earnest expression of a deranged mother's mistaken encouragement. "Do whatever you want to in life, baby, and don't let nobody tell you otherwise".

But perhaps it's a real thing, like "I'm Rick James, Bitch" and I'm just old and out of touch; as I described it to Kathleen the other day, one of the "unhelpables".

Now, there has been talk recently that loading up on calories just before you go to sleep makes no difference. I.e. you can load up with calories whenever and the effect is the same. What that doubtless means is that there will be a backlash in [as-long-as-a-reactionary-scientific-survey-takes] years from now claiming the opposite, but I'm not taking any risks.

The short of it is, there are those who take comfort in the form of "comfort food" and will hold on to any excuse to justify it in the face of wider and wider mirrors.

Praise be to TSF and DMC for intervening in my mocha squirt addiction cycle.

Barista: Today's example of a word being misappropriated and degenderised.